Nobody Said It Had Be The Traditional Way
by sQuIsHeDbRoCcOlLi
Summary: The gotei 13 collaborates with Urahara to achieve miraculous results concerning the soutaichou and bullying on the morning of the first of April just after midnight. happy April Fool's!


DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN BLEACH OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS, and I do not own the concept of telephones either. That one belongs to Alexander Graham Bell. Neither do I own jelly. Absolutely no idea who that belongs to.

* * *

It was the night before the day itself; the day of human custom where the humans would pull pranks on one another. Sick and tired of year after year of getting bullied by ex-convict Urahara Kisuke, the higher-ups of each squad, namely the taichou and fukutaichou and those who just felt like tagging along, decided to gang up together with the happy blond man and pull a major prank on the soutaichou. Well, _all_ the taichous and fukutaichous, with exception of Sasakibe Choujirou and of course, the old man himself.

Matsumoto Rangiku had very kindly offered up her services to set up visual and audio connection between the humble (ahem) shop and the thirteenth division meeting room, together with Hinamori to cover up all traces of communication with high-level kidou. The whole saga had been Kyouraku's idea, really, but he just bullied his best friend into volunteering his own meeting room for the hideout. The crime scene would, undoubtedly, be all over seireitei.

All preparations in place, Plans A through X, ready to roll.

Well, the moment it hit midnight, that is.

* * *

They were just sitting around on the floor of the thirteenth division meeting hall either doing paperwork, drinking sake, doodling, or just simply waiting for midnight to come strolling 'round the corner with a party bag in its hands.

Then Urahara Kisuke happily pranced into the room with Ichigo's watch once again. 'Five to midnight, people! Five to midnight! Get your fat arses off the floor and get moving!'

It was probably the first and last time the Gotei 13 was ever going to collaborate under Urahara's supervision to get back at the soutaichou.

Urahara pressed his face up to the screen of the communicator and boomed at them to get up or the plan would just fall flat on its nose.

Then Kenpachi pointed out that plans didn't have noses.

Urahara glared at the eleventh division taichou, and told him that the plan would then collapse onto its rear end.

A statement to which Kyouraku replied that plans didn't have rear ends either.

But they all got up anyway. A prank on the soutaichou is just so, so, priceless. On the way out, the various shinigami broke up into small groups, each group grabbing a jigokuchou on its way out. The small groups then spread across seireitei while Urahara made a phone call to the ancient telephone in the recesses of the soutaichou's cupboard, which Soifon had broken into and secretly connected the phone to a power source.

The phone, despite being muffled by countless stacks of who-knows-what, still managed to ring Yama-jii's butt of his seat while Urahara cackled in the shoten. When he calmed down, he picked up the jigokuchou that Matsumoto passed to him and spoke into it. 'Gin-kun, Part One clear, please begin Part Two.'

The foxy-eyed taichou then put his jigokuchou to his mouth and spoke into it. 'Momo-chan, begin Part Two Stage One.'

The fukutaichou of the fifth division squatted outside the soutaichou's window, expertly concealing her reiatsu. 'Hai!' she carefully slid one of the moths she had through a gap in the window before speaking into the second one. 'Part Two Stage One clear, Ichimaru-taichou please begin Part Two Stage Two.'

'Got'cha.' came the simple reply of the third division taichou. He quickly switched connections between the jigokuchous and connected to the one that just entered Yama-jii's room. _Good. The phone's still ringing._ 'Pick UP the PHOne...Pick UP the PHOne...' In the creepiest voice he could muster, he repeated these lines into the moth over and over again as the phone in the cupboard rang obnoxiously.

Ichimaru hastily summoned another jigokuchou and whispered into it. 'Part Two clear, begin Part Three.'

Kurotsuchi Nemu, the softspoken fukutaichou of the twelfth division, sat at a computer base in the office of the twelfth. 'Beginning Part Three Stage One,' and using the massive computer database in front of her, she tapped into the connection between Urahara's denreishinki and the phone that was still ringing in Yama-jii's room. 'Mayuri-sama please proceed with Part Three Stage Two,' she calmly stated into her jigokuchou.

'Proceeding with Part Three Stage Two,' the taichou of the twelfth division monotously stated while pushing the button on a control that he had. The moment his finger hit the button, the doors of the cupboard flew open (device created by Mayuri, installed by Soifon), causing an entire mountain of stuff to topple out with the ringing phone sitting precariously at the top. 'Part Three Stage Three complete. Standby for Part Three Stage Three.'

'Hai.' Nemu waited for the soutaichou to pick the ancient phone up before speaking as quietly as she could into it. All this while, Hinamori and Ichimaru kept an audio contact with each other, with Hinamori telling Ichimaru to stop the "pick up the phone" routine the moment she heard the obnoxious ringing stop.

'Hello?' rumbled the old ruler of seireitei as he held the receiver to his ear.

'Leave the division now. Leave, and nobody gets hurt. The main door, now.' Now really, when Nemu speaks softer than usual, it's rather scary. Especially at twelve midnight.

'Nobody, _nobody, _hear me? Nobody orders the soutaichou around.' he snarled into the phone.

'Leave now, and nobody gets hurt. To the main door.'

'Nobody-'

'-Will get hurt if you leave now.'

Grumbling, the soutaichou pulled himself into a standing position and started for the door.

'Part Three Final Stage complete, Hitsugaya-taichou please proceed with Part Four,' Nemu whispered into yet another jigokuchou.

'Got it,' came the tenth division taichou's quick reply. 'Kuchiki.'

'Hai! Tsugi no Mae, Hakuren!'

'Souten ni Zase, Hyourinmaru!'

The two powerful ice attacks, in nearly no time, covered the first division grounds with a layer of ice and snow. Rukia then summoned a jigokuchou and spoke into it. 'Byakuya-Nii-sama. Part Four Stage One complete, please begin Part Four Stage Two.'

'Hn. Chire, Senbozakura. Bankai, Senbonzakura Kageyoshi.' Immense mounds of petals then descended onto the trees of the first division from the second division where the sixth division taichou sat. Picking up a jigokuchou, he spoke into it. 'Kusajishi-fukutaichou, Aizen-taichou, Part Four complete, begin Part Five as soon as the soutaichou enters the garden.'

'Yatta!' the tiny girl punched the air with her minute fists and burst out of an insignificant shrub in the garden. Her job was simply to do what she did best: tear up the place. As she ran around the garden tossing flower petals and snow, Aizen sat around the corner of the building using high-levelled kidou and bakudou to render Kusajishi Yachiru practically invisible and completely undetectable.

Then the soutaichou stepped out into the chaos of the garden and promptly slipped on a sheet of ice. Yachiru giggled. Yamamoto fumed. Yachiru giggled harder. Yamamoto fumed some more. Yachiru tossed snow into the old fart's face and giggled like nobody could, thus sending everyone on the first division grounds into a near-laughing fit due to the clueless look on the soutaichou's face.

So, the old man was officially pissed. As his reiatsu rose, the ice melted; and as the ice melted, Hitsugaya's swears got more and more violent. 'Kusajishi-fukutaichou!' he veritably hissed into the moth. 'Get him out of the garden already!'

She giggled harder, and the ice melted faster.

'(big, long, loud beep) you!' he swore at the moth. 'Bankai, Daiguren Hyourinmaru.'

Yama-jii slipped again.

Aizen then hissed back through the moth at Hitsugaya that at any point in time the soutaichou was going to detect all their reiatsus that he was trying so hard to conceal. Really, concealing four reiatsus, two of captain-class and the other two well within fukutaichou-class, was not really something easy to do.

At that point in time, Rukia's childish side kicked in and she scooped up a mound of snow and threw the well-aimed ball at the soutaichou, which hit him square in the back while Yachiru pushed him out of the garden.

On his way out, another ball of slush hit the soutaichou on the neck and dribbled down his shihakushou, causing him to turn around in anger. All-powerful people like the soutaichou do not get slush down their back, whether it was April Fool's or not, and whether they knew it was April Fool's or not.

'Shit!' Rukia brought her jigokuchou to her mouth and said, 'switch to Plan C!'

'Kudakero, Kyouka Suigetsu.' Aizen released his zanpakutou and enveloped the garden with an illusion. Then he whispered into his jigokuchou, 'Plan C activated, please continue with Plan C Part Six.'

'Carrying out Plan C Part Six Stage One,' Kyouraku said with the stench of alcohol in his mouth. 'Hanakaze Midarete, Kashin Naki, Tenpuu Midarete, Tenma Warau: Katen Kyoukotsu!' A gale almost instantly whipped up. 'Ne, Kuchiki-kun. We've moved on to Plan C. Begin Part Six Stage Two.' From the second division, Byakuya redirected Senbonzakura into the wind. 'Plan C Part Six Stage Two complete. Ukitake, begin Plan C Part Six Stage Three, try to steer the soutaichou back to Plan A.'

Meanwhile in the garden, everyone sealed back their zanpakutous to sit back and watch the show while Aizen covered up Kyouraku's reiatsu.

Joining his friend, Ukitake Jyuushirou popped up in the bush just outside the first division using shunpo. Calmly surveying the flowery wind the surrounded the soutaichou, he released his zanpakutou. 'Nami Kotogotoku Waga Tate to Nare, Ikazuchi Kotogotoku Waga Yaiba to Nare! Sougyo no Kotowari!' using the only other set of twin blades in Soul Society, Ukitake lit up the dusty wind cloud that surrounded Yama-jii with flashes of lightning. Kyouraku then narrowed the eye of the mini-tornado that he created and slowly moved it out to the grounds of the eleventh division.

And according to Plan A, all hell would break loose there.

Well, it generally did every morning during the Daily Morning War, aka the Fight for the Loo.

Kyouraku, Byakuya and Ukitake kept the routine going as the half-dazed and half-asleep Yama-jii stumbled around and the most of the shinigami assembled with snowballs from the first division garden, jelly from Ukitake's office, syrup from the kitchens and party poppers from Urahara, who most likely got them from Ichigo, and bags and bags of flour, wherever they came from.

When the wind and lightning died out and the flowers fell to the ground, Hisagi moved in with a quick ambush from behind, nailing Yama-jii with a snowball while Komamura and Tousen pelted him with jelly from the sidelines. Matsumoto, Kira, Ikkaku and Tetsuzaemon then leapt in with shunpo and a bottle of sake each to douse the soutaichou and then running for their lives. Kenpachi blasted mountain after mountain of flour around the grounds while Yachiru joined in to sprinkle flour and pour syrup on Pachinko's head.

The only problem with Plan A Part Seven was that it all depended on luck to move on to Part Eight, or they would have to switch over to Plan G.

Well, apparently luck sided with the shinigami for that night. Yamamoto lumbered over to the middle of the garden-turned-warzone and instantaneously fell into a large hole where the ground collapsed, Team Rocket style. Then the shinigami stared down the hole while wondering how on earth this geezer became the soutaichou, unless, of course, he wasn't this gullible in the daytime.

So, Plan A Part 8, the last bit of the plan, was to somehow utilise the fourth division's medical supplies to knock the soutaichou out. Urahara said something along the lines of anaesthetic? Big, big bags of it.

The whole thing was going to be like a hit-and-run. They knock the soutaichou out after manipulating him into the complicated plan, then bully a few people (the people who don't win at jyan-ken-pon) into the cleaning up the mess and make a break for it.

And then, of course, laugh about it in the morning and leave Yama-jii to wonder whether it was a dream or not. If he discovers what happened, then everyone make a break for it (once again).

So, the unfortunate Kira, Oomaeda and Mayuri carted the soutaichou back to his quarters and hope like mad that he didn't wake up.

Okay, he didn't.

* * *

The next morning, all the taichous and fukutaichous attempted to keep a straight face whenever they passed the first division, but when Yama-jii woke up kinda late and kept hearing people laughing, he had to find out.

Walking out of his division grounds, he saw none other than Kusajishi-fukutaichou pelting his one-and-only fukutaichou with jelly. Turning to her direction to give the little girl a little scolding, two more mounds of jelly whacked him square in the neck. Yachiru laughed as Hinamori, Matsumoto and Rukia ducked back down into the bushes. The soutaichou turned once again to the direction of the jelly. Then more jelly hit him in the side. Yachiru laughed harder as Ukitake and Kyouraku ducked back down into another bush.

The first of April definitely won't be one of the soutaichou's favourite days.

Yachiru giggled once again as the soutaichou turned around only to get more jelly down his back. If you looked hard you could see Hitsugaya retreating back into the higher branches of a tree.

And so the vicious jelly-throwing cycle and the turn-around cycle carried on until they ran out of jelly. Then everyone used shunpo to get the _hell_ out of there.

* * *

That night Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni, the all-powerful soutaichou of seireitei, swore vengeance against the whole of seireitei the next year.

And Ichigo never got his watch back; Urahara just kept it for other important dates. Easter _was _coming soon, after all.


End file.
